Play is one of the most powerful things we can do with kids! You can help your child build important skills by playing on a regular basis. Whether you create a special time or incorporate it into routines, I encourage you to find time for play.

Think of the skills that you want your child to learn and match them to a game that naturally calls upon those attributes.

Here is a list to get you started:

Pretend play:  Symbolic play is the training ground for important brain development including cognitive flexibility, self-monitoring, and working memory. The social aspect helps form the child’s ability to collaborate and cooperate.

Checkers: Reasoning, goal orientation, impulse control, and frustration tolerance are all utilized. Many board games can be entertaining as well as educational.

Riddles and jokes: Thinking outside the box builds cognitive flexibility.

What Happens When: Mix silly questions with real life examples to help kids learn the relationship between actions and consequences. Examples-What happens when you mistake your finger for a carrot? What happens when forget your homework?

I Spy with my Five Senses: Adding onto this familiar game encourages children to develop a greater sense of detail and become more aware of their environment. Examples- I spy something that smells sweet, I spy something that sounds like “Rumble Rumble.”

We are Going to the Park and We are Going to Bring: Come up with a fun or silly destination then take turns adding what you are going to bring. The next player repeats the sentence, your word, and then adds his own. This continues for as long as it is fun. Strengthens auditory processing, memory, and attention skills.

Mirror: Face your child as if he were looking in the mirror. Your child the gets to move in whatever way he wants and you copy his movements. Switch places. This fun game builds awareness of the reciprocal nature of relationships.

                                                                               HAVE FUN!

I was visiting my four-year-old niece recently and we were both so excited to see each other! On my last day there, I was preparing her (and myself) for our goodbye, as I would be leaving in the morning. We cuddled on the couch together and I was reviewing some of the things that we got to do together and explaining that even after I left the following day, I would look back at my art presents from her and think about her. My niece understood that I was leaving but she wasn’t done yet! She took my face in her hands and looked into my eyes. She smiled and giggled a little as she thought of what to do next. She said, “I’m going to paint your face.” She proceeded to “paint” a butterfly on my cheek with her finger. She was tracing my face and looking very close. I admit that I was a little uncomfortable at first- having the sun spots and wrinkles seen so close up. She kept painting across my forehead and onto my nose, as I let go of my own insecurities. Then it was my turn to paint on her face. She giggled and continued to look closely at me. I painted a cat at her request. “You forgot the whiskers,” she said. Boy, was she paying attention and letting me know that I’d better pay close attention too.

Was my niece just merely having fun? I believe that she was filling up on her connection to me. She was getting all she needed to feel even more assured in my relationship to her before I was to be absent. She knew how to do this because her parents have given her a wonderful attachment framework.
Children with a positive and strong bond with their caregivers tend to:

• be more independent
• have higher self-esteem
• be more emotionally balanced
• rebound from disappointment, loss and failure and
• communicate more effectively

As an adult, my niece will likely be flexible, creative, hopeful, and optimistic due to the strong bonds she has developed. 
Here are my three favorite activities that you can do with a child in your life to help them build relationship and feel a secure connection!
1.     Snap a Picture- Look at your child. Smile. Take a mental picture. Then close your eyes and describe your child’s face and clothing in detail out loud. Tell your child “ This is how I build a picture of you, so I can think about you even when you are not with me.”

2.     Mirror- Invite your child into an activity where you follow your child’s movements exactly with your own. Take turns, as if you were looking into a mirror.

3.     Face Painting (Thank you, Ella)- As described above, take turns “painting” a picture on the others face gently using your finger. Notice them closely as you do this and allow them to notice you and fully take you in.

There are many activities that you already do to anchor a connection to your child. These experiences allow them to recreate strong connections with others and be confident in themselves as loving and worthy.

As a Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in treating children and teens, I do get calls from parents concerned that their teen is in an abusive relationship. Many times parents actually call because they are noticing the symptoms but are unaware of the problem. “My teen never hangs out with her friends anymore,” they’ll say, and “she’s always putting herself down.” Parents and teens are often unaware of the different ways abuse can show up in a relationship. I’ve talked to teens that are confused about why they are unhappy, “but she doesn’t hit me?” The truth is abuse can take many forms and be perpetrated by both males and females.

How can parents help?

1.Talk to your teen! In order to have open communication, avoid coming from an authoritative stance. Be curious about your teens relationships and ask her how she feels around that person. Bring up the topic and then let it rest before bringing it up again. You want your teen to know that you are there and this is something they can talk to you about without being judged or peppered with a hundred questions.

2. Did you know that constant texting can be a form of control and intrusion? The best way to help your teen avoid getting involved in an abusive relationship is knowing what abuse looks like. Learn together! Seek out resources that your teen can connect with! Here are two that teens and parents will appreciate: http://www.besmartbewell.com/domestic-violence/ and http://www.loveisrespect.org/. Look at resources together to generate conversation.

Talking with your teen and learning together creates a safe and nonjudgmental space for your teen to freely explore and communicate what he or she does and doesn’t want in friendships and dating relationships.

Is your child’s hair in dire need of a trim but the thought of taking her to the stylists makes you cringe. You’ve tried bribery and appeasing but you throw your hands up in frustration wondering what the big deal is. It’s only a haircut after all, right? Well yes and no. Children’s senses can be hyper aware so having cut hair on their face and hearing the buzzers or scissors near their ears can send them over the top. Here’s some good advice to help the haircut go much smoother- pick a few that you would like to try and start a couple weeks before the planned hair “trim.”

1. Yep, call it a hair “trim” rather than a haircut. The word cut can cause a fearful response before the scissors even come out.

2. This is my favorite- Play barbershop with your child regularly. One of the biggest reasons your child is afraid is because they don’t know what to expect and so they feel vulnerable. If they had a bad experience the first time- then that’s what they remember. Playing the routine out at home makes them feel in control! You can glue yarn onto a doll or Styrofoam ball and use paper towels as the tissue that goes around the neck. It’s important to go through every step. Say out loud what the “doll” may be feeling and speak to those worries or sensations.  Encourage your child to put words to the experience. Take turns having your child be the barber and the customer. Use phrases that a hairdresser would use, like “look down” and “turn your head to the left.” Get out smelly lotions if the salon you use is generally fragrant and use real equipment that may be part of the experience (clippers, blow dryer) but work these into the play routine gradually.

3. If you know that your kid is sensitive to new experiences- help him slowly adjust. On first visit, just point out the salon. On the second visit, walk through it. On the third visit, sit in the waiting area for a few minutes. This will acclimate your child so that on the appointment day- there will be familiarity and less to take in for the first time.

4. A few tidbits for the day of: Find the right kid friendly stylists and stick with the same one. This will create more familiarity and routine. Don’t offer too many rewards. Tempting your child with a big treat can inadvertently tell them that this is a big deal. Lastly, don’t be afraid to ask for certain accommodations. Some kids feel better when they are not facing the mirror or when they can skip the blow dryer.

With patience and practice a trip to the barber shop can go from a dreaded experience to a simple appointment.

Peaceful Moments…. While the Microwave is on

As I turn my calendar to Dec 1st I notice the conflict of wanting to start checking off my holiday to-do list and wanting to slow down. Is it okay to slow down? Even if you answer that it is indeed okay to slow down, even good to do so- when do we find the time?

I work with many parents that agree that it is a nice idea to take time for themselves, to cultivate that inner voice, to rest (and not just at 11 pm when the kids are down, the homework checked, the dishes done). Cognitively, we understand the regenerative effects of slowing down. Realistically, we don’t all have time, space, or even desire to sit on a meditation pillow.

The good news is that there are several moments in the day that we can make our own. The title gave my trick away. Next time you heat up a cup of tea or some leftovers- don’t get busy tidying up the kitchen. Multitask by taking that 30 seconds or 2 minutes to breathe deeply, notice your body, and clear your mind. If you can take that peacefulness into your meal or let it linger with your steeping tea- great. But if not, if you must attend to the kids, the shopping list, the holiday planning- go ahead. I promise you that these little moments add up and make a positive difference.

Another of my favorites is to sit in the car once I’m home for just two breaths. Where might your hidden moments be? I have one family that now takes one commercial break out of their program to just sit. You get to model and teach many things to your kids- how about how to slow down. A favorite adrenaline sports motto of mine is “Go Slow to Go Fast.” It simply means that if we go too fast through preparation, we may miss something vital. The kids that I work with go fast every day. They have also learned that they must slow down, just a tad, to make sure that the homework is in the backpack or the milk is put back in the refrigerator. What if just pausing a moment or two a day changed the pace of our culture?